Day of Change: July 22, 2006

Can I share something with you... the friends I love? You know me...but you probably don't know the secret pain I carry around each day.

There is a light within me that only I could see. It would brightly burn just for me. I could feel it's warmth inside of me. When I felt lost, I would close my eyes, and I could see it... not just a flicker, but a bright glowing flame. I would write in my journal...talking things out with myself within the light of that flame...and I would feel as though I resolved my troubles.

I've been held back for years by many dark thoughts and ideas. They crowd me and squeeze my soul. They whisper terrible words into my ears, and cause me to retreat within myself... luckily though I would find that light and turn back around and march forward.

So many situations in my past...either beyond my control, or created by my own ignorance or poor judgment, brought me to this light, and so many times I managed to weather the storms. I always continued... a little battered... a little jaded...a little wiser sometimes...but safely and renewed.

But I took it for granted. Somewhere along the line, I lost my way. I forgot how to find it. I let myself be influenced by the darkness, and let myself remain lost. I didn't realize that by doing this...not only did that light get neglected, but I have damaged my body without realizing it... letting the bad influences win me over. There have been a few times recently when I have realized something...I punish myself without knowing it.

(This is so hard... but I feel like I need to talk this out beyond myself...to other eyes and ears...or else I may just let myself slip away.)

This is about a few things... about my troubled mind...about my troubled body. I'll keep it short...Promise!

Instead of finding the light within me when I'm stressed or troubled...I have been finding the light of my refrigerator. I mistook its glow for the glow within myself. I thought it would get me through... but I was wrong. I'm sure you all notice it, but I really never did until recently. Since working full time last August, I have gained 40 pounds. It's not like I was in great shape to begin with so that it doesn't make that much difference...It was adding insult to injury. It's my own failure to properly cope with things I found difficult.

I make happy posts here on this blog... not too many complaints or sob stories (I hope!) I try to blog to celebrate the joy I discover around me. Last night was the last straw for me though.

I cried myself home from a night of partying. A night that was supposed to be fun was really a night of terrible pain for me. I hate being in my own body. I would always look in the mirror and see myself...it is an image that never changed...an image like the one in the upper right-hand corner of the picture above...taken only a couple of years ago..a happier version of myself... a more normal sized version of me...but I realized I was blind. I realized finally what I have really become. I have become a doll. A morbid outer shell that really does not depict who I used to see looking back at me in the mirror. I had no idea how serious this was... how miserably unlike myself I've become. Now I no longer see who I used to... I see a disgusting character...a manifestation of my pain.

I tried to find that light... but there is so much fat on the outside of me that I can't reach the light inside. I'm afraid it's gone. I hate this!

I decided though...I'm tired of crying about it. I'm tired of just sitting around with regret and despair. I'm going in deep to find it again and rekindle it. I'm going to free myself of this outer monstrosity that traps me. I want to be me again.

Thanks for listening. I love you guys! Somehow just putting this out there makes me feel like the tomorrow I want isn't just a figment of my imagination...but something I can wrap my arms around this time... no more false beginnings...just true, well-intentioned steps.

I figure that if you know about it... I'm more likely not to fail. Thanks!